Can I Touch You...There? by Michael Bolton

Oh good God, this is truly awful. No-one in their right mind thinks Michael Bolton is in any way cool or a credible musical artiste, but there was absolutely no need for him to inflict this horror on an unsuspecting world. 'Can I Touch You...There?' is both hilarious and repulsive- and you know that the answer has to be an unequivocal 'no'. What woman would want the then-mulleted Bolton going anywhere near her, let alone allowing him to touch her 'deep inside'? The funny thing was that one of my best friends at university had this song as a CD single - she had actually spent her adolescent cash on it, though she always claimed she bought it for the B-side, a vile cover version of 'Sitting on the Dock of the Bay'. What wasn't so funny was that she gave it to me as an amusing present, and I discovered it again the other day while I was going through things to throw out. Unsurprisingly, the only thing that Mikey B will soon be touching is the inside of a landfill site - I thought about giving it to a charity shop, but I think the dreadfulness has to end somewhere.

Creepy lyric: Can I touch you there, touch you deep inside/Can I touch your heart, the way you're touchin' mine/Can I touch you there, touch you deep within, oh/Can I touch you there, can I touch you oh...

Verdict: This CD should have come with a free soap and scourer.