Pearl's a Singer by Elkie Brooks

Old gravel-voiced Elkie warbles this slightly depressing song about a down-on-her-luck nightclub singer, which makes you wish she'd gargle with some cough syrup and cheer up a bit. It's one of those songs about little people who lead miserable lives and never get a break, and to be honest I can't be arsed to listen to things like that. This is almost a companion piece to 'Copacabana' and even Billy Joel's yawn-fest, 'Piano Man', and it's a worrying state of affairs when you end up ranking Barry Manilow as the best. The thing about Elkie's song is that it doesn't go anywhere - the story of Pearl never progresses. We learn that she's a nightclub singer, she entertains people, and that's about it; it would have been more interesting if she'd started taking hostages, or quit her job to open a health-food shop. Boring and pointless.

Crap lyrics: "And they say that she once cut a record/They played it for a week on the radio/It never made it" (oh joy)

Verdict: 'No More the Fool' was better...but not much