You'll Never Get to Heaven if You Break My Heart by The Stylistics

Pretty much anything by The Stylistics could have been on this list, but 'You'll Never Get to Heaven' makes it by virtue of it tormenting me during my days working for a well-known high street bookstore. It was on a Burt Bacharach double CD, which was played seemingly on a loop for a few months. The whole time I actually thought it was a woman singing - I can't sing that high, so I don't know how any man manages it (although the trousers were quite tight in the seventies.) There's lots of high-pitched crooning and la-la-las, and some lyrics that are so cheesy you could serve them up with crackers and grapes. The meandering, bland tune is almost hypnotic, and the band sound so wussy that they would probably lose a fight against The Nolans. The only thing The Stylistics are useful for is Radio 2's Pop Master quiz; when the winner gets through to the '3 in 10' round, it's almost guaranteed that The Stylistics will come up.

Crap lyric: " If you ever should say goodbye/I'd feel so awful the angels would cry"

Verdict: If breaking your heart means that you'll shut up, I'll take the risk of going to Hell instead.