Piano Man by Billy Joel

Recently, 'We Didn't Start the Fire' by Billy Joel was voted into VH1's 100 Worst Songs poll - it's a pointless, jaunty song that tries to reference every iota of American culture since the Pilgrim Fathers set up camp, but it is by no means the Joelster's worst effort. 'Scenes from an Italian Restaurant' is almost neck and neck with 'Piano Man'; both of them are as endless and pompous as each other, unravelling boring yarns about a piano player, and a long-term couple, respectively. But 'Piano Man' wins it because it's such a whining dirge. We hear about various characters who gather at a bar to listen to the Piano Man's tinkling ivories and to try to forget their lives - personally, I don't think this would work for me, unless he was playing 'Uptown Girl'. And how long does this song go on for?! It's one of those songs that ageing DJs play a lot because it allows them to nip off to the loo and get back in time for the dying notes. Little do those DJs know that the listeners are probably all doing the same thing.

Crap lyrics: " And the piano, sounds like a carnival/And the microphone smells like a beer."

Verdict: Billy, you were better when you were prancing around that auto-shop.