Dilemma by Nelly (feat. Kelly Rowland)

There are certain songs that I'm always going to associate with the gym, mainly because the gym is the only place where I'd ever be listening to hip-hop. In fact, it's songs like 'Dilemma' that drove me to buy an iPod, in order that I could escape MTV Base or the KISS channel. I must have heard this song on average twice per gym session, which means about 6 times a week, and that's 6 times too many. The song is sung by the walking Band-Aid advert and the least attractive one from Destiny's Child; it also has a really catchy, irritating melody and plaintive 'oh!' noise in the background. When I actually read the lyrics (Nelly's bits in particular), I realise how completely un-hip-hop I am, because I don't understand half of what he's going on about. But I get the gist that they fancy each other but are already in other relationships - she has a 'boo' and he has a 'day-hey-ame' - and that's the dilemma. But then before anything can be resolved, he starts giving shout-outs to the East Coast, Down South, West Coast and Midwest, which seems a bit irrelevant (and careless - he missed out the northerners.)

Unintelligible lyrics: " But I, I like your steez, your style, your whole demeanor/
The way you come through and holla and swoop me in his 2-seater"

Verdict: No sympathy for their dilemma. And Nelly should probably leave Kelly alone in case her 'boo' pops a cap in his ass.

Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith

Armageddon was a stinker of a film for reasons too innumerable to go into here, but its wretchedness was only enhanced further by this abhorent theme song. We already have singer Steven Tyler to 'thank' for the presence of the film's lead actress, Liv (who always looks as though she's just about to cry), and then he goes and inflicts this soft-rock nasty on us. 'Don't Want to Miss a Thing' is the kind of song a stadium band plays 'for the ladies' in the audience, and it certainly worked its evil spell on one of my friends at university - she loved this song (mind you, she also liked that terrible 'Sweet Like Chocolate' song, 'Flying Without Wings' by Westlife and 'Perfect Moment' by Martine McCutcheon!) My first complaint is that it goes on for soooo long - just when you think it's winding up, they come back with another chorus. The lyrics are also embarrassingly twee for a so-called hard-rock band; but the worst bit is when rubber-mouth Tyler screams "Even when I draaaaeeeeammm of yoooooouu!!!!" - he sounds as though someone has shoved a microphone stand in a particularly unwelcome place.

Crap lyrics: "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing" - a man with too much time on his hands.

Verdict: Probably only fitting that a turkey of a film should have a theme song sung by an old turkey.

She's Electric by Oasis

I was never particularly keen on Oasis, but felt the peer pressure from Gallagher-mad friends; so when I was given a Boots voucher for Christmas (why do people do this to you?), I bought (What's the Story) Morning Glory? on cassette. I listened to it quite a lot in an attempt to 'get into' Oasis, and at first I thought the catchy, upbeat 'She's Electric' was a great track. But then I listened to it some more and thought 'Hang on. Where do I know that tune from?' The Oasis boys, known for both stealing melodies ('Shakermaker' is basically 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing') and keeping a rhyming dictionary handy, pinched the tune for 'She's Electric' from the 1980s children's TV series 'You and Me'. Crafty. The lyrics are laughable, and contain the sort of lazy, ridiculous rhymes that a primary school teacher would tell their children off for. All in all, it's a rancid filler track on an album that had inexplicable commerical success. I'd better watch out though - Liam might come round and 'do me motor'...

Crap lyrics: "She's got a sister/And god only knows how I've missed her/On the palm of her hand is a blister..." It's probably possible to read meaning into this, but I don't want to unnecessarily harm my brain.

Verdict: The (What's the Story) Morning Glory? cassette was donated to a charity shop many years ago...

Bills, Bills, Bills by Destiny's Child

Back in the pre-Bootylicious days, Destiny's Child were a quartet producing some annoyingly catchy numbers like 'No No No' and 'Say My Name', but none more irritating than 1999's 'Bills Bills Bills' (what was it about repeating the same word three times?) The song was all about a a no-good 'scrub' of a boyfriend who can't pay his way, and the girls ain't standing for it. But it's blighted with the world's most infectious chorus - and that's infecious in the perjorative, impetigo and measles sense of the word, and not in any positive way. The line "Do you pay my automo'bills?" is very daft, even though the lyricists no doubt thought it was genius. I associate this song with being on a youth-hostelling trip with some friends, and whenever there was a lull in conversation someone would start singing this song either because they couldn't help it, or because they knew it would drive everyone to distraction. So I have 'Bills Bills Bills' to thank for nearly ruining years of otherwise harmonious friendship.

Crap lyrics: "You triflin', no good type of brother/Silly me, why haven't I found another?"

Verdict: I think Destiny's Child need to sort out some sort of debt-repayment plan.

Boom Boom Boom by The Outhere Brothers

I would hope that most people would consider this mid-nineties horror worthy of making the list - including the Outhere Brothers' mums, who were probably appalled by the pornographic lyrics that littered the non-radio edit. 'Boom Boom Boom' brings back some unwelcome memories of being 15 and on a German exchange visit to Monchengladbach; along with 'Cotton Eye Joe' by the Rednex and 'Saturday Night' by Whigfield, it was a staple at every German disco. And back home was no better, because several thousand idiots kept it at number 1 for four grim weeks; and it was on the CD player whenever you went to someone's house to drink 20-20 and Bacardi Breezers. Bad times indeed. This song was followed up by the equally irritating 'Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)', which was virtually the same track - I actually can't distinguish the tunes in my head any more. Anyway, with any luck the Outhere Brothers have gone into retirement, or perhaps they've been arrested for being big fat pervs....

Crap lyrics: "Girl your booty is so round/Let me look you up and down" (Worse are to be found in the 'Hardcore' remix...)

Verdict: Sounded like they should have been European. English-as-a-second language might have been some sort of excuse.

I'll Be There for You by The Rembrandts

In some ways, you have to feel sorry for Danny Wilde and Phil Solem, aka The Rembrandts, because despite an earlier successful album, they will be forever associated with only one song - the theme to bloody Friends. But then again, their music is played in millions of homes every day, and they probably cream off a healthy royalty from that. So sod them and their twangy anthem to twenty-something angst. I have to admit that, back in 1995, I thought Friends was great; even more foolishly, I thought Ross was cute and that Chandler was funny. It was the show everyone was watching, and this song was absolutely everywhere. It was a hit in the UK twice, and the first time round (in September 1995) my friends bought me the cassette single for my birthday. Thanks very much for that (why would you need to own it when you can hear it for free whever you turn on Channel 4?) If it wasn't for the TV programme it fronted, the song itself would otherwise be listenable to, within reason - it's the kind of wimpish, radio-friendly college rock that appeals to a large demographic. But I just can't hear the song without thinking of the Central Perk six doing the hand-claps bit in the titles; or the video where poor Danny and Phil are performing the song, while the show's actors 'goof around' in the background. There is talk of a Friends reunion show - but folks, it's not too late to start an opposition militia....

Crap lyrics: "Someone to face the day with/Make it through all the rest with/Someone I'll always laugh with/Even at my worst I'm best with you" - a career in greetings cards beckons...

Verdict: Group hugs all round.

Living Together, Growing Together by The Fifth Dimension

This song is not, as the title suggests, a socialist manifesto. Neither is it the idealist chant of a bizarre cult, despite the slightly 'New Age' name of the band. Seeing them here, they look like they may be available for weddings and bar mitzvahs. The Fifth Dimension are to blame for spreading the flower-power message in the late sixties, disgorging such monstronsities as 'Up, Up and Away' (you know, in my beautiful balloon, etc), 'Aquarius/Let the Sun Shine In' and the frankly very strange and non-sensical 'Stoned Soul Picnic'. However, it's 1973's 'Living Together, Growing Together' that gets my vote, partly because I had to endure it so frequently while working in retail. It sounds like a cross between a TV advert and a motivational video, and so when I was trudging around the book shop I worked in, the chirpy voices of Fifth Dimension were enough to start the bile ducts flowing. The lyrics don't come much cheesier; it's all about being a family, putting down strong roots and caring for each other in some kind of utopian love-in. Did anyone actually believe any
of this stuff? Perhaps they would have got away with it in 1967, but by 1973 the world had discovered - for better or worse - the likes of Deep Purple, T. Rex and David Bowie. It's no surprise that Burt Bacharach is behind this song, proof positive that this man does not transcend the decades - he's just never been cool.

Crap lyrics: "Start with a woman and you have one/Add on a man and then you have two/Add on a child and what have you got?/You've got more than three/You've got what they call a family" (Thanks for that lesson is basic biology. Oh, and Fifth Dimesion need to re-sit high school maths, because the last time I checked, 1+1+1 is indeed 3 - not more than three.)

Verdict: Unbelievable that this song actually appealed to enough people to make it a hit record. Who were those people?

(Thanks to www.soulwalking.co.uk for the borrowed pic)