Breathe Again by Toni Braxton

For God's sake woman, pull yourself together! This has got to be one of the most miserable, self-indulgent songs ever recorded and sets the cause of feminism back about 30 years. It is the antithesis of 'I Will Survive' - which, incidentally, I also don't like, but at least has a more admirable message. Toni's voice is so pitiful that perhaps it would have been better for all concerned if she had carried out her threat, concerning not breathing again. Instead of consoling listeners who might find themselves in the same position, this song would surely drive them to attempt something drastic. And if I was the man on the receiving end of this plaintive whine, then it would only serve to remind me how unbearably clingy and suffocating Toni is. I'd be out of there on the quickest mode of transport available. Hard to say why else I dislike this song so strongly, except perhaps that it if it was any slower and less funky it would be a hymn sung at a funeral.

Crap lyrics: "And I can’t stop carin’ about/About the apple of my eye/And I can’t stop doin’ without/Without the center of my life" (Where's your backbone, Toni?!)

Verdict: If she was a lame dog, you'd put her out of her misery.

Red Alert by Basement Jaxx

....otherwise known as The Frantic Song, by me and my friend at university. 'Red Alert' is possibly the most harrassing song the charts has ever known; it sounds as though it's several songs fused together, with about eighteen different things going on in the background. Ironically, the lyrics tell us not to panic, but whenever it comes on the radio I can feel my blood pressure rise and an increasing shortness of breath. As well as being a bit hysterical and frenetic, it's also just really irritating, with annoyingly repetitive lyrics and sirens going off in the background at random intervals. And I always thought that the first line was "My life, my life is a catastrophe" but...er...it's not.

Crap lyrics: "Yippie-yay-yay-yay-yo/Yippie-yay-yay-yay-yo/Yippie-yay-yay-yay-yo/

Yippie-yay-yay-yay-yo

Verdict: Hang the DJ.

Native New Yorker by Odyssey

This is one of those songs where I don't actually know why I dislike it. I'm not a fan of disco or R'n'B, which doesn't help, but there's obviously something about this one that particularly irks me. Even for the late '70s they were a bit disco-lite, drifting along aimlessly, and with this track you just want to shout, "Put some life into it!" It sounds as though they're not bothered either way whether you listen to them or not. Also, for a disco hit it strikes me as particularly hard to dance to - there's no catchy rhythm or beat, and it's distinctly unfunny. In fact, I was amazed to learn that Odyssey weren't German or Belgian - they sound like a European outfit trying to mimic American disco, in the style of Boney M. ...

Crap lyrics: " You're no tramp, but you're no lady, talkin' that street talk"

Verdict: If being a native New Yorker is this dreary, I'm glad I was born 3,000 miles away.

Piano Man by Billy Joel

Recently, 'We Didn't Start the Fire' by Billy Joel was voted into VH1's 100 Worst Songs poll - it's a pointless, jaunty song that tries to reference every iota of American culture since the Pilgrim Fathers set up camp, but it is by no means the Joelster's worst effort. 'Scenes from an Italian Restaurant' is almost neck and neck with 'Piano Man'; both of them are as endless and pompous as each other, unravelling boring yarns about a piano player, and a long-term couple, respectively. But 'Piano Man' wins it because it's such a whining dirge. We hear about various characters who gather at a bar to listen to the Piano Man's tinkling ivories and to try to forget their lives - personally, I don't think this would work for me, unless he was playing 'Uptown Girl'. And how long does this song go on for?! It's one of those songs that ageing DJs play a lot because it allows them to nip off to the loo and get back in time for the dying notes. Little do those DJs know that the listeners are probably all doing the same thing.

Crap lyrics: " And the piano, sounds like a carnival/And the microphone smells like a beer."

Verdict: Billy, you were better when you were prancing around that auto-shop.

Arthur's Theme by Christopher Cross

Before a pre-pubescent Kriss Kross began wearing their clothes backwards in the early '90s, there was Christopher Cross who...er...was nothing like. Peaking in the yuppie era and specialising in incredibly light-weight wussy soft-rock, Cross was always something of an oddity - did that ludicrous falsetto really come from that curly-headed 'heavy-set' man? 'Ride Like the Wind' is still, unfortunately, a perennial on MOR radio stations, but it's the Academy Award-winning (what?!) 'Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)' that gets my vote in the Bad Songs stakes. Can you believe that it took four people, Cross included, to write this sentimental drivel? I haven't seen 'Arthur', but what does it actually mean to be caught between the moon and New York City? Does it mean that you're somewhere suspended in the stratosphere trying not to breathe in the city pollution? I know that they're trying to write about a sensitive subject, but all of that becomes lost in a mire of soppiness and emotion - and Cross' weedy crooning pushes it right over the edge into the doldrums of music hell.

Crap lyrics: "If you get caught between the Moon and New York City/The best that you can do ....../The best that you can do is fall in love"

Verdict: Someone get that man a pair of loose-fitting slacks!

(Thanks to www.rhapsody.com for the borrowed pic of the lovely Chris)

Horny by Mousse T vs Hot 'n' Juicy

This was one of those hated songs that used to play at my university discos, and which caused drunken girls to start singing along in what they thought was a sexy way, and likewise compelled boys to start gyrating on the dance floor. I hate to sound like a middle-aged prude, but this song was just really crass - and crap - and who cared whether the singer (Hot? Or Juicy?) was feeling horny? And all night long?! Someone throw a bucket of cold water over her. It's a dance track, so it does without saying that the lyrics are stupid and illogical. The idea of sending a letter through the post to tell someone that you feel 'up for it' is hilarious - by the time it reached them, the feeling would most likely have worn off, and you'd probably be busy doing something else. And sending a message 'through the Internet' - do you mean by email? Why didn't you say so? Posting a message on the Internet is probably not a good idea either - you never know what kind of weirdo might reply (worst case scenario, he might look like Mousse T in this pic.) And finally, is the singer actually saying that she sent a rocket to the moon, or is that some sort of double-entendre? If she means literally, that's a bloody expensive thing to do, and what is meant to achieve? Does it relieve sexual frustration? Must try that sometime...

Crap lyrics: "I search from time to time/But I can't find my bedroom/Now I got so desperate that/I sent a rocket to the moon"

Verdict: If you feel that desperate, find yourself a good book and sit quietly for an hour. Should do the trick.