At the River by Groove Armada

It's a rare thing when a song either makes you feel sleepy or nauseous, but 'At the River' does both. You might not think you know it, but the lyrics "if you're fond of sand dunes and salty air" might ring an unpleasant bell. When I listen to this I get an indefinable bad feeling - as though I'm being brainwashed or hynoptised. In fact, this track could be used as an alternative to physical torture, so exteme is its ability to annoy in a subversive sort of way. The fact is, 'At the River' is just too damn slow. It's like going for a walk with an old person who seems to be able to walk at a speed that isn't humanly possible. Some people would call the vocals soothing, but I would call them repetitive and slightly sinister. This song is like one of those surreal bad dreams that you keep having and can't work out why - certain quite normal things are present, but the way they're presented has you waking up very relieved that it's not real. Unless you've got the CD in your collection. And then it's clearly your fault.

Crap lyrics: (in fact, the only lyrics) "If you're fond of sand dunes and salty air/Quaint little villages here and there"

Verdict: Whichever quaint little villages they're talking about, you know you'd get there and discover it was the village of the damned...

Nights in White Satin by The Moody Blues

I warned that it wouldn't belong before this prog-rock travesty made it into this archive of horrors. It's hard to believe that the same group that sang 'Go Now', an inoffensive piece Brit R&B, then went on to inflict the bombastic Days of Future Passed album on the listening public. It was a pretentious amalgam of rock, classic and psychadelic music and, yes, 'Nights in White Satin' was the hit from the album - depressingly, it is probably the best track on there, or at least the mos accessible.
For many years, I actually thought it was entitled 'Knights in White Satin', which at least produced an interesting mental image. 'Nights in White Satin' sounds more like a colour on a Dulux chart ("Mmmm, what colour would look nice in the bathroom? What about Nights in White Satin?" Actually, the Moody Blues' Justin Hayward could start his own paint range, which could include 'Forever Autumn' as well...) Of course, Justin Hayward then went on to unleash the legendary (and horrifically pompous) War of the Worlds musical, so he was destined to walk that slippery slope for a while after 'Nights'....

Crap lyrics: Nights in white satin/Never reaching the end/Letters Ive written/Never meaning to send.

Verdict: If 'Nights in White Satin' really didn't ever reach the end, I would be forced to do something drastic...