My Humps by Black-Eyed Peas

My fiance heard this song for the first time when we were on holiday in Paris; the video was on the French equivalent of MTV. Because we'd been watching (and mocking) much crap French hip-hop and numerous syrupy ballads sung by people who look like your dad, my fiance assumed this Black-Eyed Peas song was sung by folk for whom English is not the first language. And he had a point - it does sound like the lyrics could be the result of some embarrassing translation mishap. For goodness sake, she's singing about her "lovely lady lumps", which sounds like something from a Carry On film. Actually, when Fergie, as I believe the singer is called (though, sadly, not the former HRH Sarah Ferguson), goes on about her 'hump', I like to think that perhaps she has some deformity of the back in the style of Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame. That would be something to sing about - although perhaps the horny men she mentions wouldn't find that quite so appealing... The other more obvious thing I dislike about this song is - at the risk of sounding like Mary Whitehouse or 'Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells' - that it's such a poor representation of women. The men come out of it okay, because it's accepted that men are going to respond to a sexy woman in a certain way (though to me she looks like the love-child of Kirstie Alley and Paula Abdul.) But the woman comes out of it looking like a 5-dollar hooker - or at least the kind of slapper at high school you really hated. She basically says she lets guys buy her lots of expensive stuff in exchange for ogling her 'assets'. Classy.

Crap lyrics: Every single word. A typical example would be "They say I'm really sexy/The boys they wanna sex me...Tryna feel my hump hump/Lookin at my lump lump"

Verdict: Someone should alert the vice squad.