Dilemma by Nelly (feat. Kelly Rowland)

There are certain songs that I'm always going to associate with the gym, mainly because the gym is the only place where I'd ever be listening to hip-hop. In fact, it's songs like 'Dilemma' that drove me to buy an iPod, in order that I could escape MTV Base or the KISS channel. I must have heard this song on average twice per gym session, which means about 6 times a week, and that's 6 times too many. The song is sung by the walking Band-Aid advert and the least attractive one from Destiny's Child; it also has a really catchy, irritating melody and plaintive 'oh!' noise in the background. When I actually read the lyrics (Nelly's bits in particular), I realise how completely un-hip-hop I am, because I don't understand half of what he's going on about. But I get the gist that they fancy each other but are already in other relationships - she has a 'boo' and he has a 'day-hey-ame' - and that's the dilemma. But then before anything can be resolved, he starts giving shout-outs to the East Coast, Down South, West Coast and Midwest, which seems a bit irrelevant (and careless - he missed out the northerners.)

Unintelligible lyrics: " But I, I like your steez, your style, your whole demeanor/
The way you come through and holla and swoop me in his 2-seater"

Verdict: No sympathy for their dilemma. And Nelly should probably leave Kelly alone in case her 'boo' pops a cap in his ass.

Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith

Armageddon was a stinker of a film for reasons too innumerable to go into here, but its wretchedness was only enhanced further by this abhorent theme song. We already have singer Steven Tyler to 'thank' for the presence of the film's lead actress, Liv (who always looks as though she's just about to cry), and then he goes and inflicts this soft-rock nasty on us. 'Don't Want to Miss a Thing' is the kind of song a stadium band plays 'for the ladies' in the audience, and it certainly worked its evil spell on one of my friends at university - she loved this song (mind you, she also liked that terrible 'Sweet Like Chocolate' song, 'Flying Without Wings' by Westlife and 'Perfect Moment' by Martine McCutcheon!) My first complaint is that it goes on for soooo long - just when you think it's winding up, they come back with another chorus. The lyrics are also embarrassingly twee for a so-called hard-rock band; but the worst bit is when rubber-mouth Tyler screams "Even when I draaaaeeeeammm of yoooooouu!!!!" - he sounds as though someone has shoved a microphone stand in a particularly unwelcome place.

Crap lyrics: "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing" - a man with too much time on his hands.

Verdict: Probably only fitting that a turkey of a film should have a theme song sung by an old turkey.

She's Electric by Oasis

I was never particularly keen on Oasis, but felt the peer pressure from Gallagher-mad friends; so when I was given a Boots voucher for Christmas (why do people do this to you?), I bought (What's the Story) Morning Glory? on cassette. I listened to it quite a lot in an attempt to 'get into' Oasis, and at first I thought the catchy, upbeat 'She's Electric' was a great track. But then I listened to it some more and thought 'Hang on. Where do I know that tune from?' The Oasis boys, known for both stealing melodies ('Shakermaker' is basically 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing') and keeping a rhyming dictionary handy, pinched the tune for 'She's Electric' from the 1980s children's TV series 'You and Me'. Crafty. The lyrics are laughable, and contain the sort of lazy, ridiculous rhymes that a primary school teacher would tell their children off for. All in all, it's a rancid filler track on an album that had inexplicable commerical success. I'd better watch out though - Liam might come round and 'do me motor'...

Crap lyrics: "She's got a sister/And god only knows how I've missed her/On the palm of her hand is a blister..." It's probably possible to read meaning into this, but I don't want to unnecessarily harm my brain.

Verdict: The (What's the Story) Morning Glory? cassette was donated to a charity shop many years ago...