Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

When this song was first released back in 1997, I'm afraid to say that I liked it. I was 17 years old and going through a phase of listening to female singers like Sheryl Crow and Alanis Morissette , and trying to forget the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend. 'Torn' seemed like a good track, and the video was quite cool, too...but that was before the world discovered it and radio stations started playing it back-to-back for about 6 months. Before long, even the opening few guitar strums sent me rushing for the mute button, and even now - 9 years on - I can't stand listening to 'Torn' on the radio. Looking back, the lyrics were actually pretty wet, and whenever I see that video, with Natalie with her big eyes and tomboy clothes, I pray that the fella in the video with her would just leave her once and for all.

Crap lyrics: "Illusion never changed into something real/I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn."

Verdict: An example of radio killing a song if ever there was one. Natalie should have stuck with Neighbours - her character, Beth Brennan, could own her own construction company buy now (and be married to Lou Carpenter.)

Your Love is King by Sade

People who liked Sade in the '80s have a lot to answer for, but people who still enjoy her unique brand of yuppie wine-bar soul need to drag themselves into the 21st century. There is no place for music like this than a world that now should know better. Sade is the sort of artist who is probably still big in France and Germany - and they don't know any better, when it comes to pop music. 'Your Love is King' is just plain boring and drones on in a repetitive, almost-hypnotic manner. It's a love song completely without passion, emotion or feeling - it's just words, sung by someone who sounds as though she'd rather be hanging out in the Soho wine bar drinking Manhattans. At least there you can shout over the music.

Crap lyrics: "Your kisses ring/Round and round and round my head/Touching the very part of me/Making my soul sing." (The song is about 5 lines repeated randomly in a different order.)

Verdict: I would actually rather listen to 80s one-hit wonders, King, than endure this again.

Badge by Cream

Now, 'Sunshine of Your Love' is a great song, but that's about all the praise I can muster for the so-called supergroup (I love this photo, by the way - it looks like the worst tea party ever, or maybe it's some gag about them bringing the cream for the tea.) In my considered opinion, Cream were seriously overrated and were mainly loved by boring musos who were in love with the band's technical brilliance. Call me a dunce, but I've never understood why 'Badge' was called 'Badge' - I think 'Badger' would have been better. It would have made no more sense, but would have been more amusing. Cream were just way too poncy even for the prog-rock scene - why didn't rockers stick to rock, and insist on indulging their side-interests in blues and jazz? Cream were guilty of jam-sessions that not even their mums would have wanted to listen to, and some of Clapton's guitar solos make Jimmy Page look like a one-minute wonder. But what is it that I dislike about 'Badge'? Well, it goes nowhere and the lyrics sound as though the Gallagher brothers travelled back in time and landed in 60s psychadelia (ie. crap rhymes, working-class lingo) Actually, the song was written with George Harrison - and come to think of it, his lyrics for 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' smack somewhat of a school kid grasping at straws ('I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping', for example.) Anyway, 'Badge' is bloated blues-rock, and that's the end of the matter.

Crap lyrics: "Talking 'bout a girl that looks quite like you/She didn't have the time to wait in a queue."

Verdict: Pour yourself a cup of tea, sit down and prepare for a long, boring experience...

They Can't Take That Away from Me by Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald

Louis Armstrong sounds like a frog. I know it's probably sacrilege to say it, but I really can't stand the man's voice. I feel as though I should love 'What a Wonderful World' and 'We Have All the Time in the World', but actually they just irritate me because of Louis' bizarre 80-fags-a-day voice. But 'They Can't Take That Away From Me' comes out bottom because of Louis' random scatting and doo-be-dooing in the background. I was stuck in a retail job with an 'Ella and Louis Together' CD, and this song used to force me to abandon the customers in order to ring the person closest to the music system and tell them to turn the goddamn thing off. I don't have much time for jazz at the best of times, and teaming two of jazz's best-known and best-loved figures still did nothing for me.

Crap lyrics: "The way you hold your knife/The way we danced till three/The way you changed my life"

Verdict: This (doo-be-doo) is (da-be-da-da) bloody (scooby-do-di) annoying (wah-wah-wah)