Bump 'n' Grind by R Kelly

When I was on holiday in a few years ago, with some friends from university, we were relaxing on Cape Cod when a car pulled up with 'Bump 'n' Grind' thumping from the stereo. We all agreed that it is perhaps one of the worst songs ever recorded. R Kelly is obviously a bit of a pervert - something that has been tested in a courtroom, no less - and this is the sort of song only a pretty sleazy man would write. (By the way, not sure what he's doing in this photo, but he probably shouldn't be in that house - unless he's under house arrest.) So many hip-hop/R'n'B artists sing crap songs about being horny, demanding that women bring their 'ass' over there and boasting about their dubious prowess. It's very boring, and this song is the absolute antithesis of sexy - in fact, it should be a very reliable contraceptive for anyone with any sense.

Creepy lyric: Girl you need someone like me, yeah/To satisfy your every need

Verdict: A restraining order may be needed

Lovin' You by Minnie Riperton

This is the sort of song that makes you wish for a Communist regime where popular music is outlawed. Apart from being unbearably slushy and sentimental, with really meaningless lyrics (why should loving someone be easy just because they're beautiful? What if they smell bad? Or read the Daily Mail?), it has that horrible bit where Minnie shrieks at such a high pitch that she must attract packs of dogs from miles around. This is non-music. And really not very romantic either, as anyone who was trying to get 'in the mood' would be compelled to stop what they were doing and cover their ears when she hits the high notes. Burn it now! (and I don't mean onto your PC - I mean literally.)

Crap lyric: No one else can make me feel/The colors that you bring

Verdict: Lovin' you may be easy, but killing you would be more satisfying.

Cousin Dupree by Steely Dan

There are songs that are so saccharine they can turn your stomach, but this song does it because it's so creepy. Okay, it's supposed to be ironic and humorous, but Donald Fagen's vocal is so sleazy that you feel like you need to have a decontamination shower after hearing it. It celebrates that old-fashioned Mid-Western tradition of fancying your close relatives, and coupled with Steely Dan's house style (fusion of prog-rock [ugh], jazz and blues) 'Cousin Dupree' just makes you wish they'd taken their experimental doodlings elsewhere.

Creepy lyric: From the comfort of my Aunt Faye's couch/ When I see my little cousin Janine walk in /All I could say was ow-ow-ouch

Verdict: Pass the soap and sponge, please.

Angels by Robbie Williams

It's a difficult one to call, but 'Angels' may well be my mosted hated single of all time. I can't stand Robbie 'Butlins Read-coat' Williams at the best of times, but it's when he's trying to be an earnest and serious 'artiste' that he's at his most kick-able. Most songs that become known as 'anthems' are abhorent, especially when they're as blandly sentimental and mushy as this one, and the idea of thousands of music fans singing along at Glastonbury is a scary one (aren't those the people who would claim they're into music?) Robbie's CDs are bought by people who don't really buy music that much, but think he's churned out some good, sing-along tunes. I was appalled, but not surprised, to learn that 'Angels' topped a poll of songs most people would like played at their funeral - it is a song about coping with death, after all. But I'll tell you now, if Angels makes an appearance in my final pre-burial moments, I will identify the person responsible and personally smite them with a heavenly lightning-bolt. Unfortunately 'Angels' is one of those songs that's going to be around for decades, even after Robbie turns into a bloated lounge entertainer...

Crap lyric: And down the waterfall/Wherever it may take me/I know that life won't break me

Verdict: 'Highway to Hell' is a better track to have at your funeral

Spinning Wheel by Blood Sweat &Tears

I've heard this song on Radio 2 a few times recently, and however inconvenient it is to do so, I have to turn the radio off. It's a rambling mess of white blues, jazz, and horn sections that have no business being anywhere near a 'rock' recording. At times it even sounds like a circus has come to town, and then an oompah band has marched through the Big Top. It also has a slightly hippyish, psychadelic feel to it, tapping into all the cliches of the late 60s. To add to these crimes, I also hate the fact that Spinning Wheel doesn't seem to go anywhere, and you can tell they were the sort of band who had all-night 'jamming' sessions, rejecting anything that sounded too commercial or wasn't pretentious enough. Any band that calls an album Child is Father to the Man obviously indulged in a lot of ponderous beard-stroking.

Crap lyric: Would you mind a reflecting sign/Just let it shine/ Within your mind

Verdict: An jazz/blues/rock amalgam of Frankenstein proportions. Putrid.